Ready and Willing

 

When I am asked how my day went, do I lead with the moments of joy or do I lay out all my frustrations?  My choices reflect my overall mindset.  

Positivity and gratitude was a key part of my life, even through the pandemic.  After divorcing with my wife of 23 years, struggling with job-related anxiety, and living beyond my means for too many years resulting in mounting debt, I needed to make some changes.  Meeting Becki and her daughter Sophia jolted me into a new phase.  My son Daniel ran headlong into anxiety, health issues with his vision, and real problems with executive functioning leading to him dropping out of college.  Suddenly my own problems were put into perspective and I felt compelled to face them.

My anxiety stems from a self-imposed expectation that I have the answers to everyone's problems.  Call it hero complex or something else, I have formed my identity as one who has the correct solution for everything, and who can be relied on to help you out of your jam.  That was also combined with self-loathing that left me feeling unloved, unattractive, and unskilled except for my ability to solve problems.  That mindset determined which women I dated, which jobs I sought, and how I viewed my future.

Being an adult means coming to grips with the fact we weren't born with all the skill we need for a lifetime.  Building those skills requires learning, and learning requires trying things we will likely fail a few times first.  Our egos and pride prevent us from remembering the fails as intensely as the wins, but alternatively, self-loathing prevent us from remembering the wins as intensely as the fails.  We perpetuate our own version of ourselves through our acceptance of mistakes.

When a fear of making mistakes grows too large, we begin to hesitate to try.  My grandson is ten years old and still resists riding a bicycle without training wheels.  He hasn't had a bike with training wheels for five years.  Neighborhood kids zoom around on their bikes, and he slips inside to play with his tablet or watch television.  He doesn't feel like he is ready to ride a bike, and the potential for greater independence isn't worth the risk.

Becki suggested that this summer is the year he conquer that problem.  He is making more friends, and his world is expanding beyond his school and his backyard.  He has had his share of accidents involving burns, bumps, and bruises, but somehow sees riding a bicycle as something far more dangerous.

Becoming an adult means something more than feeling ready.  Being an adult means accepting that you are going to make some mistakes, that you have the capacity to learn from them, and that the bumps and bruises you might get along the way will be a short term pain, not permanent.  It also means accepting that others (especially your parents) are making their own mistakes and they won't be embarrassed to know you for being less than perfect.

Reaching the end of my education career, I am looking forward to being really bad at some new things.  Things like driving a semi truck, sailing a boat, or even dancing with my wife.  I am grateful to begin some of those new adventures with the self-understanding that my initial attempts are going to be hilarious, and that my instinct is going to be to feel defensive, negative, and shame.  I will get over it and probably become pretty darn good at those things if I don't give up.  The worst that could happen won't, and the marks it will leave won't be scars as much as sign posts for my grandson, seeing how adulting is done.

Friluftsliv!  (Free-Air-Life)